Overheard, or The Kids in the Hall

I teach teenagers; 15, 16, 17, and 18 year olds.  They think they are worldly, knowledgeable, and "grown".  I know this because they are constantly telling me so.   Bitch, I'm a grown-ass man.  I ain't gotta do no nothin'. Anyway, after a few years of being repeatedly told this, over and over, by a growing number of students, I decided to take a step back to listen to their "wisdom".  Surprisingly, I learned something.  No, I did not learn that these kids have a wisdom beyond their years.  (Please, they are teenagers.  And, for the most part, pretty disconnected from the "real world".)  What I did learn is that their conversations hold a vast entertainment value.  Here are few of the gems I've overheard from the kids in my classes and randomly wandering the hallways this year.

Conversation #1:
Girl#1: I got my CPR certs this week.

Girl#2: Oh, I done been having mines.

Boy: You ain't got no CPR licenses.

Girl#2: Oh, I gots mines. digs through suitcase/purse, pulls out card See? I'm O-fficial.

Girl#1: I ain't got my card yet.

Boy: snatches card, looks You know now you be official, if somebody be choking and you don't help them, theys can sue you.

Girl#2: I ain't going help nobody. I don't even remember that shit. I sat through the class, but they didn't really teach me nothin'.

Boy: Then why you sit through that junk?

Girl#2: I had to, for my job. I was a lifeguard last summer. They wouldn't let me be doing it if I didn't.

Boy: Yous a lifeguard? You be saving anybody?

Girl#2: Oh hell nah... I ain't trying to be doing that. I's afraid somebody would drown, then I have to get my hair wet going after them. And some those people be fat, and ugly. They probably drown me with them.

Boy: If you ain't like it, why you do it?

Girl#2: It be easy. Me and LaLa didn't have to do nothing. We sit around the pools all day, and got paid.

Boy: Where you be lifeguarding?

Girl#2: You know where all the white people's be havin' they houses over in Kiln Creek? We be over in there...


Apparently, according to my students, all white people live in the same neighborhood.

Conversation #2:

I have a female student who is always trying to get male attention directed her way. Today, she stands up in class, starts loudly talking about her new belly-button piercing, and pulls up her t-shirt to point to it. She moves to stand right in front of a male student to force him to look at her mid-drift.

It is at this point I should point out that I have no clue who the male student is... He had literally DANCED into my room a few seconds before this altercation, and had a seat.  Normally, I would have publicly humiliated a student for such impertinence, but on this day my initial thought when he danced into the room was "Huh, I wonder if he knows he is gay?"  

Anyway, before I was able to refocus and address the male student who danced into class, my female student pounces.  However, as she is not that bright or observant, her little plan for his attention backfires...

Girl: Look! Ain't mys new piercing so cute and sexy?

Boy: Ain't nobody wanna look at you. Get outta my face!

Girl: You know you wanna hit this. stands in front of boy, playing w/ring

Boy: Gross! Why is you belly so hairy?

Girl: quickly pulls shirt down No it ain't!

Boy: Yes it is. You belly be lookin' like a sasquatch. You nasty.

Girl: No I ain't! And don't be puttin' my business out there like that. I didn't have time to shave my legs this morning.

Boy: laughing hysterically You the one struttin' 'round with yo hairy sasquatch belly hanging out for all to see. And what do shaving yo legs gots to do with that hairy belly. You a nasty ho...

It was at this point I walked out of the room ... so I could laugh.

Conversation #3
This little gem of a conversation started after the girl came back from a visit to our illustrious Dean of Girls, mistress of discipline, whom I ADORE for her no-nonsense, take no prisoners attitude.  Apparently, my little darling has trouble coming to school on time.
 
Girl: UGH! Let me go out here and listen to my momma mouf. She gone be yelling, "Why the F you get suspended? You always be gettin suspended."

Boy: You got suspended? What you do?

Girl: It ain't be my fault. It be my momma fault. She know I caint be getting myself up on my own. She aint been tryin to wake me up, and I be late for skoo all the time. I done been late the last 10 skoo days. And now they tryin to suspend me for it. So now I gotta go listen to my momma mouf, when it really be all her fault.